I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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