Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
