yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
