you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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