I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
