I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
