I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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