My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i think im in europe. pls send help
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
