I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize