last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
