found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
