What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
