I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize