I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The uberlube is also flammable
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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