I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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