She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
