Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
