Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
