I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
