He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
