Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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