I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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