if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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