Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
