If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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