What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
