My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
