why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
