oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
