I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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