Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
