I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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