matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's paint friendship bongs
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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