good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize