dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
