Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
