As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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