shes about as inviting as chlamydia
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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