Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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