Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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