Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
do herpes really smell.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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