i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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