I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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