my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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