My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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