wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
