I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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