umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
