just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this just has baby written all over it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
