I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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