there's paper in my vomit.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
