The best revenge is premature balding
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
