I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
