im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
