i was born a porn star she said
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
