Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
