so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
so much tequila, so little girl.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
