Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
