i already hear my dad disowning me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
