haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just puked most of my soul out..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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