I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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