something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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