People in love make me want to vomit
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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