I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
