Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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