i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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