So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
